I just want to share a sudden epiphany I had after having yet another sumptuous dinner at Trixie Ayson‘s house, where caloric intake is virtually unavoidable. Here are 6 mealtime catchphrases so painfully hackneyed that they already take the fun out of the dining experience and should, therefore, die a natural death:

1. Galit-Galit Muna- When someone notices that period of awkward silence while eating.

Dear overly sensitive diner, gastronomic conversation lulls don’t automatically mean I have issues with you. It only means that I don’t want to risk obstructing my windpipes just for the sake of pleasantries and gossip. So, unless you know the Heimlich maneuver or CPR (in which case, please make sure that you don’t have halitosis, for the love of God), let’s save the banter until after we’ve finished eating. I’m sure we both have interesting stories to share. Besides, didn’t our elders teach us not to talk with our mouths full?

Charles Foster Kane’s marriage didn’t work out because he talked too much.


2. Sira ang Diet/Kailangan ko na mag-Diet – When you think that partaking of the food automatically negates your chances of making it to Sports Illustrated

It’s borderline condescending and almost short of saying “I don’t want to become an amorphous blob of fat like everyone else in this table.” Hey, it’s not like we’re force-feeding you through a funnel. Sheesh! Equally sinful is referring to less-than-healthy concoctions as “sinful”. It’s tantamount to saying “I’m on a diet, you heretics. Burn in hell”.

“Pare, makasalanan daw tayo?”

 

3. Buhay pa! – When a piece of the food ricochets off the plate

When that wayward morsel actually starts crawling off the placemat, stares at you and shouts “You just poked me with a fork, dick!”, I’ll believe you.

This is what happens when you deal with anthropomorphic food way too often.


4. Hinuhuli pa ang *insert protein source of choice here*- When your order is taking forever to be served.

This would only be relevant if we are 1.) a pack of carnivorous animals, 2.) Neanderthals 3.) Survivor castaways or 4.) supernatural predators like vampires/werewolves/aswangs.  Other than that, please don’t expect me to believe that there are huntsmen prowling on the vicinity of the restaurant. This isn’t the Stone Age.

One Smilodon a la Pobre, coming up!


5. Ay! May darating na bisita – When a dining utensil falls off the table

I never believed in superstitions, especially gender-coded ones: men = forks, women = spoons. It gets uglier when your homophobic dinner guest quips, “You don’t use sporks here, do you?” And, what if a soup ladle falls? Or a teaspoon? Does that make you obsess about the size of your hypothetical guest as well?  Word of advice, butterfingers: Sexism went out of fashion decades ago. Blame gravity.

Whatever you do, don’t drop the kitchen knife. Or else, he’ll arrive.

 

6. Nagka-hiyaan pa – When everyone refuses to eat the last piece of food on the plate for fear of being viewed as barbaric

Just attack the damn morsel and smugly say, “Makapal mukha ko. Bakit?” I won’t judge you. I promise.

Nigella, you have no shame!

Contributions, anyone?

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